


Love

by BuddyTheMeanPeacock



Series: Drabbles and Oneshots (DimiClaude) [11]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22657852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuddyTheMeanPeacock/pseuds/BuddyTheMeanPeacock
Summary: Claude reminisces about his feelings for Dimitri
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Series: Drabbles and Oneshots (DimiClaude) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561504
Comments: 8
Kudos: 155





	Love

The book in his hand felt odd. He knew it was a thick, heavy tome, but it felt light in his hands as his eyes drooped in drowsiness. He rested his head on Dimitri's shoulder where they sat in front of the fireplace of Dimitri's study, under blankets to ward off the biting cold of his lover's perpetually frozen home. His mind drifted as Dimitri rested his hand on his side, pulling him closer before shuffling into a more comfortable position. 

Dimitri… his lover...

Claude never felt love before.

Or rather, he's never felt _non-familial_ love. He wasn't a sociopath; he loved his parents, Nader, Judith. Even Lysithea and Hilda were like sisters to him. Without them his life would be nothing, a gray limbo - if he'd even be alive to live it. 

But this… this was different. _Completely_ different. 

There was always something that stopped Claude from opening completely to his family, blood or otherwise. A wall everyone ran into and he couldn't stop hiding behind whenever someone tried to get too close to him. He honestly couldn't remember how long it's been there- a while at least, if that was the case. No matter how long he'd already spent there, he was content to live alone behind this wall, and everyone was content enough to leave him there. 

Except Dimitri.

Claude still doesn't know how it happened or why. Why Dimitri chose someone like _Claude_ to dedicate himself to so selflessly. Why, out of all the good people in his life, Dimitri would choose _him_ to be with, to live his life with, to… to _love._

He was confused, at first; that someone like him, who couldn't trust to save his life, who used those around him, who for the longest time didn't even trust himself not to abuse Dimitri's faith in him, there was no way he could handle it. Claude just… didn't know what to do. Dimitri's loyalty, his sincerity, his kindness, it was all so _foreign._ He thought he could eventually adapt to it, get used to his new _friend's_ odd behavior. It was strange, but Dimitri was just like that. Nothing would come of it, he knew. He wouldn't let himself think he was special or let his own distracting feelings change their bond.

But that… it just didn't happen like that. Claude acted like he always did. He didn't hint at his odd thoughts towards Dimitri - right? Maybe he did, but… that shouldn't have meant anything. Schemer, liar, manipulator; he knew his faults, knew and accepted that he would never find love, because people can't love someone like him, surely. Live with him as a pseudo family member, at most, but he'd always have that wall between him and the world. It was safe there, and it was so easy to keep that space empty save for him; he just had to be himself.

_"I love your brilliant mind, your boundless curiosity, your brightening humor. You are a gift, Claude, one I thank the Goddess for having the chance to have met every day."_

Except that wasn't true. A _gift_? No, Dimitri was mistaken. He was so nice he has a compliment for just about everyone, however undeserving.

_"You put your faith in me. You stayed by my side and guided me back to the living. You never gave up on me, even at my worst, even when I deserved to be left behind. Words cannot describe how much you mean to me."_

But he only did that in the beginning so that Faerghus could help him in the war. His initial intentions were self serving. _Manipulator._ His happiness at seeing Dimitri's mind grow clearer and clearer as he slowly healed, at seeing Dimitri move past his trauma and grow strong, at seeing Dimitri smile in mirth, what… what did it mean, really? For someone like _him_ to feel that way, was it actually _good_? And besides, barring all of that, of course Dimitri would feel _grateful_ to the one who set him on the path to recovery. Claude was just the first to actually _try_ to help him, not ignore the problem or beat it with a stick. It made sense for him to appreciate a _friend_ helping him through such encompassing issues.

_"Your dreams are beautiful. Your wish to have everyone have a place in which they can call home, a place where they belong and are free to be themselves, express and share their lives without restraint… I will do anything to help realize them with you, Claude."_

That was when he got worried.

 _That_ was personal. That was _him_ , Claude, no one else. Dimitri couldn't have said it to anyone else. He saw the look in Dimitri's eye. It was no man repaying a debt; he truly meant what he said, truly wished for Claude's dream to come true. _Claude's_ dream, _his_ dream, the one he held so close for so long, and Dimitri wanted it too. And that on top of what he had said already, on top of Claude's increasingly _distracting_ feelings - he felt a tremor shake the wall, saw long gathering dust blow off from the impact. 

_Schemer, liar, manipulator_ \- no, he can't let Dimitri settle for this. He _tried_ to make Dimitri see reason, get them back to their comfortable, safe friendship - which itself was already new, an unfamiliar relationship he's never had, but it was similar _enough_ to what he knew, what he deserved. He acted like himself, because that had always worked before to keep him alone.

_"Haha, come on Your Kingliness. I think you can do a little better than some schemer; you oughta have more confidence."_

_"But I love your schemes. I love how you can think so thoroughly through every situation. Your plans are so meticulous that I can't help but find them admirable. Find_ you _admirable."_

_"Aww, how sweet. But an honest sap like you and a liar like me? I'm not sure how well that'd mix together."_

_"It's true you are fond of stretching the truth. If I am to be an… honest sap, as you say, I wish you wouldn't do so so readily. But in all the time I've known you I've yet to see you lie about how dearly you wish to save everyone, or how deeply you care about your allies. When you told me your dreams that was no fabrication; I could see it in your eyes, how they gleamed at the thought of your ambitions coming to life. The truth within you shines past the lies you coat yourself with."_

_"Yeesh, how poetic. Such pretty words, I wonder just how I can use them…"_

_"Claude."_

_"Oh don't look at me like that. I_ gotta _find a use outta any and everything; you know how I am."_

And that was always enough. Nice enough to have around, to call a comrade, to banter with, but nothing past that. Once someone knew him they were content with the distance he put, or at most resigned themselves to never crossing it.

Claude sighed, tucking his head into Dimitri's shoulder. 

It didn't happen like that.

_"Do I?"_

_"Huh? Do you what?"_

_"Do I know you? Because I feel as though I don't. That bothers me. I wish to know all about you, Claude."_

That had scared him. But his eye was what _terrified_ him. There was no malice in it, nor his words or tone. No threat, no ill-will. There was only a genuine, pure want to know him better, just to be closer with him. 

It'd left him speechless. For once he couldn't think of what to say. There was a crack in the wall and he could see Dimitri stare back and he _was scared_. 

Dimitri was lying, whether for his own wants that he was hiding or for the wants of someone else. This wasn't true; it was far too easy, and everything had taught him nothing good comes _easy_. He hadn't done anything, so how could Dimitri love _him_? Claude just couldn't _see_ it, and whatever Dimitri was hiding must have been bad if he was hiding it so well.

Claude knew now that was silly, but it felt so _, so_ likely then. He kept his guard up as he accepted Dimitri's confession. This was fine. His _distracting_ feelings wouldn't mean anything as long as he kept in mind that Dimitri could turn and leave at any time. He could be with him, even as another, more suffocating feeling started to creep up his throat the longer he stayed. He knew not to trust Dimitri, knew to listen to his _gut_ that was telling him to play it safe, wait for Dimitri's fleeting infatuation to pass and for things to go back to normal.

He shuddered; he felt the hand at his side pull him closer. He remembers when the thought crept up to him one night, months later. A busy night, the swamp that was his mind abuzz with the life of _thoughts_. He knew this swamp well. He recognized the hidden pitfalls that he had to step around, the winding paths he had to avoid. He knew, and yet he misplaced his foot anyway.

_What if this is real? What if he actually loves me?_

Suddenly the feeling in his throat grew, latched itself to the back of it and left him breathless. The room he was in spun and blurred, and his chest felt like it had a ball of lightning trapped in it. Suddenly it wasn't just his _gut_ telling him to stay _cautious,_ but his head, his chest, his arms and legs, everything was telling him to _leave, get away, run, run, run before Dimitri gets you, he's already too close, he's already got your guard down, he's already one step closer, this happened before remember what happened, you're getting yourself killed, you can't control this cut it off before he gets you he's going to get you he's going to get you hesgoingtogetyouhesgoingtogetyouhesgoingtogetyouhesgoingtogetyou-_

A fit, he used to call it. A loop he _let_ himself be lost in. He had it under control. This wasn't the first time he slipped up and he knew it would pass eventually. But that time passed slowly - and quickly - and slowly - he wasn't sure. Long enough for Dimitri to find him - and _oh_ did he not like getting found.

 _How was he found? He hid; was he followed? Why would Dimitri follow him? He-He_ **_was_ ** _going to get him, no, no,_ **_no_ ** _-_

_"Claude-?"_

**_"Get away. Get away from me."_ **

_"Claude… I won't come closer. And look- look. Look at my hands, Claude. My belt... Yes... Now… look around me. I have no weapons, Claude. I won't hurt you-"_

_"_ ** _How do I know that?!_ ** _How can I trust you?! How can- How can you trust **me**_ _?_ _What - What - How-"_

_"Claude… listen to my voice. Alright?... Claude, do you remember? When you drew Gloucester's forces away from me? Despite how I was then?... Do you remember how we didn't fight at Gronder? Despite us being enemies?... Do you remember how I came to you in Derdriu as soon as I heard your call?"_

_"What are you - what are you saying?"_

_"I'm saying, Claude, that we have already trusted each other. That trust will not always hurt you. And that… I trust you, Claude. I have then, and I do now."_

_"......"_

_"... Claude. May I reach out my hand?"_

And that… that was the moment, wasn't it? He remembered his racing, sprinting thoughts, telling him over and over to say no, to run away from Dimitri, this threat, to _keep running,_ and he was nearly swept away in the familiar tailwinds of distance and solitude. 

But… there was something else. Something still. A lone inquiry in the middle of the gale storm.

_What if this was real?_

_What if he actually loves me?_

And for once… he wanted to be still. He wanted his feet on the ground. Leave the winds to sweep _around_ him. He wanted certainty. And maybe… maybe Dimitri had that.

He had nodded. Dimitri took him closer - slowly and carefully, the most careful Claude had ever seen him. And it was so still. 

"You look tired, my love. Should we retire for the night?"

Claude craned his neck up to look at Dimitri's face. His sole eye had a fondness in it that Claude has come to cherish. To hold dear to his heart. To… love.

He loves Dimitri.

"I love you Dimitri."

All this time, and this was the first time he's actually said it aloud. He was so unsure - saying it aloud would make it… real. And he wasn't sure if he wanted that. But now - now he did. He was sure. 

He loves Dimitri. 

That thought resonating in his mind and warming his chest, he closed his eyes to his love's shocked face and slept, a smile taking root on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Idea came from a mix of a post of a boyfriend gushing about how his girl told him she loved him for the first time and another of polochon's great art! But I thought about what would make Claude say "I love you" to Dimitri (outside of a translation faux pas where he just. Says it. In the Eng ver. of his S support with Byleth lol) and this came about.
> 
> The art!! Please go follow her she's amazing!!  
> https://twitter.com/Pillow_boi/status/1211437353748840448?s=19


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